Category Archives: Election 2019

Election Post-Mortem – The Week That Regrettably Was

Well, that election was a bit shit wasn’t it?

There’s really no other way of dressing it up. From the moment the exit poll dropped not only were all my worst fears realised in a brutal flash of stupefying reality, but the grim inevitability of living under five years of a Boris Johnson led government was no longer confined to my nightmares. For all his deceit, for all his blunders and in spite of the six months we’ve already suffered through offering alarming clarity on the fact that he’s fundamentally unsuited to the job, none of this seemed to matter – the man who hid in a fridge to avoid an interview is going to be Prime Minister for five years. At least.

Still, that’s where we are and we’ve got little choice but to deal with it. So in that spirit, let’s take a look back at election night and see if any small scraps of hope can be salvaged from the still burning wreckage, shall we?

Boris Johnson Wins – With a Terrifying Majority

A result so terrifying, Huw Edwards suffered a spontaneous bowel evacuation live on TV. Maybe.

Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. As much as I’d love to soothe your woes with the revelation that the events of election night were all just a bad dream and you’ve actually woken up in 2014, in a move which apparently vindicates a campaign entirely characterised by cowardice and chicanery, Boris Johnson has been granted a “stonking majority”.

The sad truth is that this victory wasn’t especially surprising, with the only real shock being in the staggering margin by which it was won. Nevertheless, this didn’t prevent the visceral reaction from those in opposition being one of indignation, bewilderment and a hefty side portion of self righteous anger.

Which is a reaction that I personally, could completely understand.


However embittered protestations, irrespective of how vociferous or accurate they may have been, were worthless at this point. The day had been lost and the die had been cast – there was nothing left to do but accept our fate and attempt to obtain some understanding as to how best to deal with it.

Stonking majority or not, the delusional nature of what Boris Johnson had successfully flogged remains unchanged. The relentless, often ludicrous barrage of meaningless slogans and tenuous at best metaphors may have succeeded at the ballot box, but will prove to be horrifically exposed on the merciless battlefield of international negotiations and diplomacy.

Of course Boris has always been the consummate bullshit salesman – it’s just that now the opposition have no real means of hindering him. They (and by extension, the entire country) are now helplessly strapped along for the ride, able to do little more than scream objections to terminally closed ears as they’re dragged ever deeper into the rabbit hole of mindless exceptionalism and excruciating metaphors.

Talking of which:

The Fight to Remain Hits an Insurmountable Brick Wall

Can’t blame a guy for trying, right?

Contrary to what the ‘will of the people’ narrative would have you believe, 2016 was an awfully long time ago. In the intervening years between the regrettable then and the unfortunate now there’s been enough twists, broken promises and governmental incompetence to last a lifetime and the cause to Remain fought their corner valiantly – never missing the opportunity to put forward the apparently unfashionable notion that this whole Brexit malarkey which nobody can agree upon was just a mite bit ridiculous.

But alas, to the dismay of a movement which had clung desperately to the faintest of faint hope through each and every tribulation which came its way, that fight came to an end with Boris’ resounding victory. Unceremoniously snuffed out in a blink of an eye the second the damning exit poll desecrated our screens.

We tried guys – but it’s over.

Defeatist – perhaps. Realistic – I’m afraid so. Brexit is happening. There’s simply no viable route left through which to stop it. The People’s Vote, which was always just tantalisingly out of reach, has now been consigned to the dustbin of history, never to re-emerge. Now all that’s left is a dismay inducing smattering of ifs, buts and maybes.

Understandably, many of its most fervent proponents now feel at a loss. Where is there to really go from here? Unfortunately, an obvious, conveniently inspiring answer isn’t especially forthcoming.

You can point out the flaws, but nobody with sway will be listening. You can observe that, in terms of actual vote share, parties in favour of a second referendum actually received more votes, but no tangible success will be forthcoming. As flawed as a first past the post general election is in serving as a de facto rerun of the referendum, it’s the closest we ever got to one – and the outcome is binding, logic be damned.

However, there is one important thing to bear in mind. While democracy didn’t fall into line with your wishes on this occasion, you still have your democratic right to expression. The result may have given Boris Johnson a mandate for Brexit, but it does nothing to vanquish its insurmountable flaws – nor should you be expected to ideologically fall into line behind it.

Your voice is still important and, let’s face it – with the Tories set to face severely limited opposition in Parliament – it’s arguably more important than ever.

Opposition Parties Collapse – The Blame Game Begins

He’s probably had better nights.

Ah yes, the blame game. An inevitable consequence of crashing disappointment and, with so many vested interests at play in this election, there’s been many accusatory fingers on display – gesticulating wildly in every direction imaginable, while curiously averting attention as far away from themselves as possible.

Whether it be Brexit, Corbyn, the Lib Dems or the entire opposition’s starling inability to put their differences aside for the greater good to name but a few, the uncomfortable reality remains unchanged. The opposition, irrespective of which colour rosette adorns their clothing, lost – badly.

I’m sure you’ve each got your own personal theories – I sure have – but whatever bias tinted explanation we may have, the attribution of blame is a largely worthless endeavour. Not only because the truth most likely lays in the ultimate failure of the collective, but the dubious value of scapegoating pales into insignificance when compared to the harsh lessons ready to be learnt.

And believe me, “harsh” in an understatement.

I appreciate that the sense disappointment is still raw amongst many of us, the gaping wound of defeat causing tempers to fray while being painfully exacerbated every single time the perplexing sight of Prime Minister Boris Johnson shambles into view. It’s bad, I get it – but given how dispiriting the prospect of five years living under this preposterous chancer is, the possibility of it being extended to an entire decade is a fate we should all seek to avoid – collectively.

However, in order to even stand the faintest hope of achieving what would be a gargantuan reversal of fortunes, drastic changes need to be made.

The Corbyn project, for all the virtuous intent it may have indeed had, is not going to fly anytime soon, if ever. Bemoan the rigged system and note the claimed doorstep popularity of the policies all you like, the electorate rejected it – resoundingly. A hurtful predicament for aspirational idealism to find itself in no doubt, but it’s time for cold, hard pragmatism to come to the fore.

The situation is desperate. We just don’t have time to wait for a plan heavily reliant on improbable circumstance to maybe reign supreme in decades to come. As unappetising a prospect as it may be, the hearts and minds of the moderate Tory voter are not going to be won over by a far left candidate – and these are the votes you’re going to need should you ever hope to seize back power.

It may not be a proposal which sits comfortably, in fact it will likely chill the average momentum activist to the bone – but elections are there to be won. You don’t win anything for remaining mired in the minority, not even a wooden spoon – and all your good intent will simply disappear into the void, of no use to those who most need it.

As for the Lib Dems, should they wish to ever hope to gain any electoral ground again, anyone who had even the least bit of involvement in the notorious coalition should be kept so far away from the leadership they’re in a different galaxy altogether. Until then, they’ll continue spinning their wheels hopelessly in the mud as their influence and relevance fades with each year that rolls by.

Sometimes you just have to grin and bear an impure approach. The Tories didn’t win because their ideas were better – far from it – but they sure as shit knew how to game the electorate.

I don’t doubt that the battleground is slanted in the Tory’s favour, but it’s not going to change anytime soon. You can complain, but it didn’t yield anything of value this time. So the choice is really simple – adapt to the situation at hand, or remain on the fringes forever.

Speaking of fringes:

Fringe Simpletons Claim Boris’ Victory as Their Own

The phrase “lunatics taking over the asylum” springs to mind.

In the wake of Boris Johnson’s electoral victory, it’s often been pondered, most likely in a bid to scavenge any hint of a silver lining from the darkest of horizons, whether or not he’ll make another spontaneous ideological shift.

After all the man is essentially a blank moral canvas, ready to paint with whatever ideological stance best suits his career at any given time. Plus, with the lingering concern of a threadbare majority now firmly in the past, he no longer has to cater to the unbridled numbskullery of the ERG. Maybe he’ll finally become the warm hearted, liberal slanted centrist his most obsequious of acolytes have always insisted he is?

While I can’t completely rule this out, there are two significant problems which undermine this, perhaps fatally, as a potential reprieve.

Firstly, we have to consider the influx of new Tory MPs who have ridden the crest of the Boris wave all the way into Parliament. Now it’s become almost a cliche that the Tories are the “nasty party” but, if the flimsy grasp on the apparently outmoded concepts of compassion and decency demonstrated by some of the new arrivals are anything to go by, they’re not just confirming such a characterisation, rather proudly proclaiming it via a loudhailer from atop the Tower of London.

For a case in point, take Lee Anderson – the new Tory MP for Ashfield.

Even putting his past record of sexism, staged managed doorstep encounters and a penchant for anti-Semitic conspiracies somehow to one side, his electoral campaign was characterised by one key policy which seemed very dear to his heart – the introduction of forced labour camps.

No really, I’m not joking – though I dearly wish I was.

Not only does this highlight an alarming acceptance within the senior ranks of the party towards the reprehensible, but it’s also a disconcerting reminder of the moral repugnance Boris Johnson will be expected to appease.

Which brings us, rather regrettably, to the second problem: the rather unsavoury crowd Boris Johnson and his campaign of jingoistic dick waving has attracted – who are currently swarming around his victory like flies zeroing in on an especially pungent shit.

There’s little worth in naming names at this point, we all know the main offenders. The real issue lies not only in what it represents, but what it could precede.

Boris Johnson has spent a lot of time recently attempting to craft a cooperative facade, droning on about how now is the time for “healing” and bringing the country back together – having previously been torn asunder by the Boris Johnson.

Some would argue that this is a sign of leadership, though to do so would be to miss the important context – his campaign was specifically designed to pander to the very nationalists who want nothing to do with diverse social cohesion. They want to keep Britain British – and now he’s got to keep this fringe yet sufficiently substantial demographic onside.

Ignorance will be plead and sophistry will be spun, but it isn’t a coincidence that such characters are swooping in to claim Boris Johnson’s majority as vindication for their poison. They were sought out.

While Boris Johnson winning a majority have left many on both the centre and the left feeling somewhat disenchanted and bereft of fight, the parasites clinging to his coattails give you more reason to be vocal than ever.

Because while they’re on the fringes now, if the flow of travel continues unabated, it’ll seep into the mainstream – and from that point onward the infiltration will be complete.

The country you knew will have changed forever.


The Election, Brexit and the Demise of Britain

If you’re reading this then congratulations – you’re on the verge of surviving a general election campaign.

Not that I wish to jinx you, of course. There’s clearly a very real chance that the next inevitable Boris blunder will involve a botched attempt at a jovial caper in which he rugby tackles an orphan into a disused canal, causing you to spontaneously combust on the spot in sheer horror but hey, you’ve made it this far – and let’s face it; if the sight of a bedraggled, philandering globule of mendacious spite attempting to indulge in painfully rehearsed seasonal whimsy didn’t end you right there and then, you’ve probably got nothing to worry about.

Oh fuck off.

Given the amount of farcical buffoonery on show, you could almost be forgiven for thinking that there’s not actually anything riding on this election; that it’s just meaningless pageantry in which snappy yet ultimately meaningless slogans and twatting around in JCBs to create excruciating visual metaphors is somehow a valid methodology for determining who will make a good Prime Minister.

All fluff with no substance essentially – and that’s exactly how the Tories like it.

Boris Johnson there, wasting five seconds of your time that you will not be getting back under any circumstances.

The contrast with the truth however, could not be more stark. This election is important – undeniably so. There simply hasn’t been a period in my thirty years of existence in which the stakes have been this high with a sense of stability so tenuous.

This country has changed beyond recognition. Both the political and social landscape we’re helplessly trapped within has become so volatile and vituperative, there’s a palpable sense that it’s about to break apart at the seams. Such toxicity just isn’t conducive for maintaining a stable, prosperous nation. Gone are the days in which fractures inflicted through division and disagreement were held together by an underlying sense of social integrity. Brexit hasn’t just damaged such a foundation, it’s obliterated it into smithereens.

Leave or Remain. Racist or traitor. You’ll have undoubtedly heard the invective – it’s become impossible to escape from. It’s been bubbling under since the referendum campaigning began and, since the result, it’s embedded itself so deep into the zeitgeist that it’s become self sustaining. This is the dichotomy upon which you’re now defined. Pandora’s box is upon and there’s no turning back.

Understandably, this ever dehumanised populace – still locked in a curious state of furious bewilderment over what the Brexit they’re fighting over even is – becomes ever the more desperate; and it’s this very desperation that provides the perfect backdrop of confusion and instability upon which exploitative chancers can really thrive.

And that’s precisely how Boris Johnson became Prime Minister.

If this is your leader, then your country has lost its mind.

There’s a certain irony which has arisen ever since Boris Johnson stepped into Number 10 – specifically regarding the frankly absurd circumstance of how a man, who has crafted his every utterance and cynical career move to aid his life long quest to lead our country, could end up being so astonishingly incompetent upon receipt of his dream. Barely a day has passed since Boris Johnson took office without his own inherent ineptitude and flagrant disregard for common decency working in tandem to craft some form of scandal. You’d think that a man so obsessed with one solitary goal coming to fruition would have taken the time to obtain a skill set suited to succeeding in the role.

But, regrettably, it has never been about serving for Boris Johnson – it’s been about status.

Owing to such a calamitous lack of both ability and morality, the Tory campaign has undertaken a frankly bizarre tone. Not only have they had to craft a false reality within which they’re required to pretend the last decade of misery were nothing to do with them despite being in power for the duration, Boris Johnson is such a catastrophically atrocious candidate that the only way within which he can appear palatable is to somehow persuade the viewing public that they should doubt their own sanity.

The debates were a prime example of this – at least the ones that Boris wasn’t too scared to show up for. Devoid of any real answers, incapable of articulating anything beyond the realms of a three word slogan shat out by his press team and flustered by any challenge to his narrative to the point of total incoherence, Boris Johnson was simply a car crash. Yet were you to listen to his supporters, the most nauseating and perplexing of which being Acolyte in Chief Matt Hancock, you’d think we’d just witnessed the Gettysburg address with a parting of the Red Sea thrown in as an encore.

Vomit inducing perhaps, but as I’ve relentlessly banged on about many a time, narrative is key. It doesn’t really matter if you actually won, as long as enough people think you did.

While the horror stories detailing the grim outcome five years of unhindered, far right infested Tory rule could bring are often met with a scoff and waved away as hyperbolic fear mongering, just look around you. Take a moment to scrutinise what is actually happening. The dirty, underhand tricks designed to mislead and confuse, the deliberately inflammatory rhetoric bidding to cultivate a sinister atmosphere of mistrust and intimidation, the lies upon lies upon lies – if any of this seems normal to you, chances are you’re living in a failed dystopian state.

Dismiss me as an embittered, hysterical leftist should you please, but the reality remains. You’re being conned – we’re all being conned.

So where to from here? Polling day is imminent and we stand teetering on the brink of handing a liar free reign to do whatever he pleases for five years. Can anything really be done to prevent this?

Well, you’ve got a vote. One, solitary vote with which to express your admiration or disgust – so use it. It might not make a difference. It might be completely in vain, as our deeply flawed first past the post system could well see it disappear feebly into the void if your constituency votes against you – but you have to try.

What we’re witnessing now with Boris Johnson and his pseudo churchillian bluster isn’t the dawn of a glorious new age in which Britain’s potential is unleashed through means he’s curiously unable to explain – it’s a swindle. The emperor has no clothes and his shrivelled genitals are riddled with pubic lice.

If he’s granted a working majority on election day, the lies won’t stop – especially not now they’ve been vindicated in his own mind.

And the worst part? You’ll have to suffer through five years until you can do anything about it.

The Tory Party and the Art of Shameless Deception

Feeling confused? Frustrated? Finding yourself forever lost in a state of total bewilderment as you wade through an endless torrent of especially pungent bullshit, all in the vain hope of salvaging even a brief foothold of understanding as you become further swamped by empty promises, meaningless slogans and the uncomfortable sensation that everyone is lying to you?

It can only mean one thing – a general election is here. Perhaps Brenda from Bristol had a point after all.

For the most part it had been pretty bog standard – what with all manner of wonderment promised with little in the way of detail from which to achieve it forthcoming, coupled with the inevitable Boris blundering inexplicably having absolutely no negative effect on the polls.

However, in the past few days, an especially insidious change was afoot – emerging from the murky waters of the Twittersphere during ITV’s showpiece ‘Johnson v Corbyn’ debate.

Seems legit.

The debate itself was fairly standard fare, what with Boris Johnson’s ceaseless tangential waffling around any question more difficult than being asked to explain what a potato is, while Jeremy Corbyn was continually pressed yet continued to be frustratingly hesitant on whether he’d back Leave or Remain in a hypothetical second referendum – despite the fact that his personal convictions are ultimately immaterial when it would be the people making the final choice.

Though, away from the debate and within the realms of the eternal dick measuring contest known as social media, something peculiar was happening. Twitter suddenly found itself awash with Tory propaganda masquerading as indisputable fact courtesy of a previously unheard of account calling itself ‘factcheckUK’.

Now independent fact checking organisations are nothing new – you can find many scattered throughout Twitter attempting to extract morsels of cold, hard reality from the onslaught of bombastic political bluster – but seeing one spawn at such a pivotal moment from the void of non-existence would rightly unnerve any sceptical mind.

Yet there it was – the much heralded blue tick of certified Twitter approval right next to their name. So they must be the real deal, right?

Fortunately, a few eagle eyed souls managed to not fall victim to the Twitter norm of offering a cursory glance at most while scrolling through a timeline and noticed the biggest red flag outside of Soviet Russia – @CCHQPress. This wasn’t just an account sympathetic to the Tories – this WAS the Tories; engaging in the sort of shameless subterfuge normally associated with your garden variety Facebook troll.

You’d think that being caught red handed in a sinister yet clumsy act of brazen deception would lead to many a grovelling, hamfisted apology being on offer. This is an election after all – surely it would electoral suicide to be busted holding the voters in such blithe contempt?

While that would be the sane and indeed vaguely honourable reaction, regrettably this isn’t an episode of Happy Days in which mistakes are made, lessons are learned and the Fonz calls the gent’s toilet his “office” without a hint of irony. This is the Tory Party. They don’t do integrity – but they do have an apparently inexhaustible supply of frighteningly cynical morality vacuums to churn out in the aid of ostensible “public relations”.

Regrettably related photo of Dominic Raab.

Dominic Raab, James Cleverly and Michael Gove to name but a few were asked to explain this most lamentable of con tricks, yet their response wasn’t one of contrition, rather one of obstinate defiance.

“There was no trickery!” they insisted in carefully rehearsed tandem. “Look! It says ‘from CCHQ’ right there!”

Superficially, this protestation is indeed accurate – but they typically neglected to mention two key points. Firstly, were the account to retweet anything (which it did), any reference to CCHQPress would be entirely absent, owing to the longstanding Twitter aesthetic.

And secondly, the member of the design team responsible for the page banner was clearly briefed to ensure the “From CCHQ” subheading was in the smallest possible font size which still allowed to be in any way credibly legible to human eyes.

However it wasn’t the pitiful attempts at claiming refuge in the most ludicrously ramshackle shelter of plausible deniability imaginable that was the take home message from this sordid display of skulduggery, rather how little regard they had for the very notion of integrity. Dominic Raab in particular seemed to actively revel in his obfuscation, seemingly offering himself a mental pat on the back whenever he indulged in a spot of misdirection or pretended to have no understanding as to how Twitter works.

This is really the fundamental problem we’re faced with as this election looms ever closer on the horizon. This isn’t just about Brexit – it’s about whether we as a nation are about to hand a working majority to a gaggle of historical incompetents who have absolutely no qualms about deceiving you for their own self interest.

It’s often noted that the Vote Leave campaign under the stewardship of Dominic Cummings did their utmost to baffle the public with a tsunami of misleading data and fanciful untruths – and now he’s the most senior adviser to Boris Johnson as he heads into this most critical of elections, the disinformation disseminator has been cranked into overdrive. The campaign is barely a couple of weeks old yet there’s already been enough bullshit to fertilise the entire planet, overwhelming your senses as you struggle to distinguish between the dubious and the outright deceitful – the actual truth becoming forever lost in the ever thickening haze.

In a sense, you’ve almost got to hand it Cummings. Not only is he undeniably adept as propagandist, he’s managed to get his minions so well drilled in the art of bare-faced blagging that the message has become almost impervious to reality. While the truth is what we should value, the narrative always reigns supreme – which is why, even when caught with their pants inconspicuously stuck around their ankles, you’ll still get a chronically hapless goon like Matt Hancock simply ignoring any valid counterpoint and sticking rigidly on message. Laughable perhaps, but he knows exactly what he’s doing. The message, regardless of credibility, must remain unblemished – as it’s this message that will create the false reality in which the Tories aren’t a cabal of hopelessly detached jobsworths who have spent the past decade screwing over the country.

The message that will win them the election.

I wish I wasn’t so pessimistic. I long for an election night in which all my worst fears are vanquished and relative sanity finally establishes a grip on the country I call my home – but the polls are increasingly ominous, barely shifting irrespective of the scandals which befall Boris Johnson on what seems like a daily basis.

This is being referred to as the most important election in generations – and it is. But it’s not just about Brexit. It’s about what type of people we want running the country – and if Boris Johnson and his reality distorting cronies are granted a majority, it’ll be all the validation they need.

Because their deceit won’t stop with an electoral victory – it’ll simply confirm that their approach of unscrupulous dishonesty gets results.